Stop Blaming the Kids

I tried so hard to keep technology from taking over our home, but I have to confess – I have failed miserably.

In the early years I was vigilant and refused to buy devices. My eldest, George, was an avid reader, which I loved; you rarely found him without a book in his hand. We had a family joke that he could do anything with a book in one hand, and we have the pictures to prove it.

George was about eight the day a well-meaning neighbor offered him a Gameboy. She was lovely and respectful by asking me first if it was okay. I agreed, and that was our introduction to technology.

Someone then gave him a 3DS. Eventually he bought himself a Nintendo Switch and then a Virtual Reality headset. Besides these devices, he used the computer for his schoolwork. He also used the computer to hone his skills of animation and music making, both legitimate outlets for fun and learning when used with balance.

I could have stopped the train at any point, but I didn’t. Having said all this, the device isn’t the problem, and neither is he. I am.

It’s easy to blame the device or the kids but as a parent I’m the boss and have ultimate say about what my children can and cannot do.

Good-Bye TV

I thought I was doing well by getting rid of our TV when our eldest was a toddler. The television had become his go-to first thing in the morning. Rather than endure the constant battle and because I didn’t want the distraction myself, I thought we should get rid of it. My husband Brad, agreed.

When we moved to our first house we had a TV and the cable from the previous owners was still hooked up. I had never paid for cable in my life so enjoyed all the channels. At a certain point I realized that if we weren’t paying for cable we should call and let the cable company know so they could cut it off.

We called. Months went by and it was still hooked up. One day I noticed a cable guy working next door. I told him how we had asked the cable company to unhook us and nothing had happened. His response, “Enjoy.”

While I had his blessing, it still didn’t sit right with me. Eventually Brad and I concluded we would be better off without a TV, and we got rid of it. The joke then became that we were the only people in town who had cable and no TV.

At first I missed the television, but after a while I adapted. Now, 14 years later, I have lost all interest and rarely have the patience to even sit through a movie. The same can’t be said for the kids. We may not have television, but we have a computer screen, so on and on it goes.

Tablets, smart phones, televisions, and computers are easy babysitters so it’s not hard to understand how we got here.

Unlike George, who bought his own devices, I introduced our youngest son Josiah to technology. Josiah has Down syndrome and in a genuine attempt to enhance his learning we got him an iPad. It seemed like a good decision at the time. He has benefited from some of the learning programs, but some of his usage I consider a negative, not a positive. Once again, I am ultimately the one who grants or denies permission, so the fault is mine, not his, for any negative ramifications of this technology.

I’m not proud of admitting this, and truth be told it is something I would rather not expose. Like many parents, I struggle in this area.

When the boys were 8 and 11 we were part of a homeschool group called Classical Conversations. It was a great year of learning, fun, and friendships. At the end of the year, one of the moms put together a memory book with pictures and samples of the kids writing. Each child also wrote a short bio. George’s initial draft included his love of video games. My immediate response was, “What about reading? You love to read.”

I didn’t want his bio to list video games because quite frankly that made me feel like a failure. In the end some of his bio said that George “likes reading, making friends happy, and planning surprises …”

When the memory book finally came out, some of the other boys mentioned their love of Minecraft, but there was no mention of George’s love for the same. I don’t think I strictly forbid him mentioning video games, but he saw my displeasure and respectfully removed that line.

What About Me?

For the longest time I didn’t use a cell phone. I felt it was unnecessary and a waste of money. Just over two years ago, my mother-in-law died, and I inherited her phone. I didn’t use it much initially, but once I learned how to text and realized all of the conveniences of having a phone I was hooked. My phone has now become an appendage for me, just like it is for so many other people. Kids aren’t the only ones who have problems with technology.

A few years ago, while having dinner in a restaurant, a family in the next booth— mom, dad, and three children—spent their whole time on their devices. I felt so sad for them. Fast forward a few years and sometimes we’re that family. We still eat meals together but as soon as dinner is over each of us typically takes off to do our own thing which quite often involves a device.

At one time, I thought we were doing okay. Then gradually, without even realizing it was happening—we got to the place we are today. This didn’t happen to our family overnight. Each permission made it easier to grant the next.

To my eldest son’s credit, he has at times tried to address the problem himself by limiting his usage. And to my credit, thankfully, I have done a few things right along the way. I too have at times put limits on his usage but sadly, in both cases, these great resolves never seem to last.

It feels a bit hypocritical to say get off the computer, when I’m on the computer for long periods during the day. When I was writing my book, it was easy to justify time spent on the computer. After all, how else could I write my book? The book is written now, but I’m still on the computer daily because there are so many details that need my attention. There is always something, and there always will be.

I will decline posting stats on digital use for children and adults. We only need to look around and see babies in strollers playing with phones; children sitting in a room together, each silently playing on their own device; teenagers and adults filling every spare moment on their phone.

This is a killer to admit, but as the saying goes:

The first step in solving a problem is admitting there is one.

And the problem isn’t just out there. My father used to say that when you point your finger at someone else, three are pointing back at you.

I point at myself and ask: I contributed to this problem, now how can I fix it?

I can’t fix the problems of the world, but I do have a responsibility for myself and for my family.

My children are now teenagers, and my strong beginnings seem so long ago. It’s hard to compete with the lure of technology.

Technology is not going away, so it’s up to us as parents to learn how to help our kids manage it. It’s also up to us to manage it well ourselves.

I don’t want my kids to waste their lives in front of a screen, and I have no doubt that many reading this feel the same way.

If I could do it over again would I do things differently?

You bet I would. Hindsight is 20/20 but we can’t change the past. We do, however, have control over our actions today and tomorrow. I don’t want to beat myself up for the past, but I do want to make some changes now.

The purpose of this post is not to just gripe about the problem, but rather to encourage discussion since I am quite sure this problem is not mine alone.

How do you manage technology?

What has worked for you or your family? Please share your thoughts and experiences.

Or, perhaps you’re still at the stage of pulling out your hair asking, “How did I get here and what can I do?” Please share that too. I don’t want to be hanging out on a limb here all by myself. 🙂